you win you idiot

freewrite 371

this is hunter from the future. nothing changes. life is still a meaningless cycle of decay, but it’s still hilarious.

how many more of these do i need to do? why did i start in the first place? i forgot. what is the current point? aint’ one, don’t think.

don’t think.

do you ever find those hella grimey tables in public places? one of the wholefoods in this town has one. you can carve shit into the table without damaging the wood. that’s how grimey some of these tables get.

i gave myself a handlebar moustache, see second sentence of this freewrite.

crumpling aluminum. stomping acorns for the neighborhood crows.

i am so disgusted with others, sometimes. you can see warped priorities, totally unconscious yet MEAN minds. accidentally chasing whatever it is you’re running from, because you’re that stupid. brushing off the sentence before this one because it is a cliche, because, again, you’re stupid. everyone but me is stupid. plain. matter of fact.

green cuticles. greasy. stupid. boring.

-freewrite 683-

this is hunter from the future, from the future. Listen:

lick my balls idiot.

freewrite 10 (this ambience is called “Royal Library”)

hey idiots. today on how to not be an idiot, i’m going to teach you how to mind your own business.

it’s very easy to be a business-minder, all you have to do is not give people unsolicited advice, not interact with people who have their headphones on, and, perhaps most importantly, cease speech nearly entirely.

in chapter one i’m going to go over advice and why it doesn’t work, ever, and how you eagerly trying to teach people a thing is more of a way for you to feel important and less about focusing on the actual act of learning. (eagerness is a very effect way to annoy people, however, if your goal is to distract someone from processing new information and gaining understanding.) as very few people seem to know, when you insert yourself into your point/speech by going on about information i didn’t ask about, you will not be invited to my birthday party (which by the way, nobody is invited to, because i like to drink alone that day).

secondly, i don’t actually care how you’re doing when i ask you “how are you?” if YOU find yourself being asked this stomach-churning question, simply reply with “fine” or “good.” rest easy knowing that most people don’t really care about other people as much as they think/say they do. I find wearing a rubber band around my wrist helps in these types of situations. if i find myself caught in conversation, because i didn’t make it subtly clear enough that i am fully embracing a lack of empathy, i will often snap the rubber band against my wrist, smile, and nod. note: if someone is sharing a story with you, make sure to respond with “that’s crazy.” or “wow!” it doesn’t matter if you’re actually paying attention.

third, smiling, ironically, makes the listlessness of your inner-child very apparent to others. make sure never to smile, laughing at things is fine though. it’s hard for people to tell that you’re really laughing at them.

hopefully this helps, and remember: fuck you.

freewrite 9?

regardless, this one will be just as boring as all of the others.

i’m reading authority and american usage by david foster wallace. again.

i’m fascinated by language shit like that. i’m not very good at english, or anything, not good in like a way that GF KEEPS INTERRUPTING ME. LITERALLY WHAT SHE JUST SAID WAS “okay so my youtube video was blurry and my way of fixing it was to turn up the brightness on my phone, but it… obviously didn’t work and now i feel like an idiot.” OK THANKS FOR INTERRUPTING GIRLFRIEND

as i was saying. it’s funny how we pick up language and learn words and definitions and stuff. i have been complimented a lot by my peers for my writing skillz (skillz with a ‘z’), but what’s weird is most of my writing comes from a totally unconscious place. i didn’t/haven’t learned every grammatical rule, and even my use of commas has to be atrocious. still, somehow, what i’m trying to convey can be seen. the pace and tone ensconcing what i’m saying are apparent. sometimes, often i guess, i will write a jarring sentence. i’ve been told that too.

that’s just, interesting. are people really this terrible at english and writing that they think someone who has totally minimal linguistic is actually good at english and writing? relatively, i guess i am good. in the grand scheme, i cannot stand shoulder-to-shoulder with people who know what they fuck they are doing when they write. i cannot even scrape elbows with their beer-bellies. i have no clue what i am doing. maybe there’s power in that, i don’t know. if i can still communicate a powerful, insightful, funny, depressing, or otherwise emotionally significant idea to people despite being not a great writer/linguist/whatever you want to call it, i don’t know, that seems important. i don’t see people so much as things that need to be educated in order to understand/know something. instead, i just kind of want to point at everyday idiocy and make people go “oh yeah, that idiot thing exists. i forgot about that, or i guess wasn’t noticing.” which, i don’t know, seems like a conceited point to make; that i could simultaneously be totally ignorant and somehow aware. i guess awareness is a spectrum or whatever.

p.s. sarah and i thought the whole interruption thing was funny. it wasn’t actually aggravating, or, i don’t know, maybe it was but we’re adults and we’re allowed to simultaneously be aggravated at each other AND think the whole situation is funny/silly

Free write 8

Okay, scratch all of the stuff I said before in every free write. I have no idea what I’m talking about. I am an idiot.

I am examining truths at my own pace. I reserve the right to be mediocre, and I reserve the right to be average. I especially reserve my right to be slow.

So I’m laying in bed right now, on my damn phone. Writing and stuff. Just trying, I don’t know. All of this keeping-it-real stuff sure does startle me easily. Honestly, can most everyday people stomach the self-centered, aggressively mundane, groans of an aging manboy (a voice that some everyday people (pale nerds with boring family issues) need validated) without comic frills and self-deprecation added as a courtesy? I know I can’t. It really is funny though, and I like laughing. I am growing comfortable with the idea of being flawed, and there’s weird humor in that. Even so, what I think qualifies as a flaw is changing all of the time. Same goes with what I think it means to love, be happy, be empathetic, be a good listener, etc. I have to remind myself that I’m not a killer, or a liar, thief, manipulator, or arsonist. But I am sometimes an idiot. I wish more people would be willing to admit to also being idiots. I was raised by people who, by all means possible, would not even deny that they are idiots because denial would mean admitting to the very existence of the possibility that they are in fact idiots. Idiot, to them, is abstract, and this is obviously an unconscious preference. I’d like to think that this comes with some meaningful consequence, but these days I’m not even sure of that. There are so many deluded people in positions of power, from your cringey, narcissistic manager, to the US president, who have both the social clout and skillful emotional ignorance to, for the most part, totally ignore how deluded and small and selfish and mean they are. Humility, or even honesty, don’t even seem to be worth the psychic rest they give you.

I get where this perspective gets all too close to being humble-braggy, self-righteous, woe-is-me, obnoxiously, uselessly cynical, and just generally angry at the world. Weirdly, these kinds of perspectives, in this case, the cynical-pale- nerd-with-family-issues perspective, seem to always horseshoe around to making the person complaining seem to be exactly what’s they are criticizing. Things are more nuanced than that and I don’t have the patience now to point out why pointing out hypocrisy wherever you see it is not really all that noble but is instead an effective way for idiots to validate their own biased, unconscious, boring, and predictably cynical world view, and to ignore considering the complexities in everyday life attitudes. Because that’s hard. Listening to others is hard.

But I’m dying slowly. I am accidentally breathing on a very pretty rock. I’m going to be funny about all of this, because I’m honestly just sad, and chronically anxious, and (stereotypically for pale nerds with boring family issues) straight up empty.

freewrite 7 (cut this one short because i had to shit)

I should read more. There’s this quote in Arthur Schopenahuer’s book Essays and Aphorisms that I like to sling out at every available opportunity, like the vibrant brainlet that I am.

He says something along the lines of, there’s a difference between a thinker and a scholar, and that you should be able to be both. Scholars read, and absorb information. Thinkers take that information and use it to create a clearer sense of understanding. The person who is always reading is not always thinking, the person who is always thinking will always run out of things to think about if not for new information to use as a basis for thinking. Anyway, I’m feeling like that. I guess these freewrites have been helping me get some of these thoughts out of my head, however mundane or half-baked they are. I get them out. I get to let go of them now. Now, I think, I’m craving more to think about.

But yeah, I guess, there’s my little speech about Schopenhauer and thinking and learning.

I haven’t had coffee this morning. It made me a little too wired yesterday morning, so, you know, laying off of it. I’m wearing a blanket over my lap. Legs still to my chest. I don’t know, it’s comfortable, cozy, warm. I was thinking of buying some candles. I REALLY have to shit so I’m going to cut this freewrite short.